So apparently I am really good at procrastination, and have no follow through! The initial intent of this so called "blog" was to keep family members up to date with Reece and all the fun stuff he has been doing. Some of those family members are no longer here to actually read this, but I know that they are always watching, and know what he is up to. My other thought was to keep this from his point of view. I never realized how difficult that was, but I will admit, it was rather fun, for the time that it lasted.
So with that, I am changing my focus... this will be from me. What will I talk about? I have NO clue, whatsoever. And I guess that is OK... right?!?!?
This past several years have seemed to fly by, yet drag ooooohhhh so slowly. Much has happened. Reece is almost 10, family dynamics have changed dramatically, and life, well life is one huge ball of ever changing craziness.
Putting my thoughts done on "paper" for others to read... isn't really the easiest thing for me to do. So I hope that I will be able to write what is in my mind and in my heart.
My thoughts, lately have been on many different things. The one I need to let out the most is that of my mom. It will be 2 years this coming January since my mom passed away, the 10th to be exact. Let's start from the beginning. So for the past couple of years my mom hasn't felt very well. Off and on of not feeling well, but nothing serious. A lot of it I know is from the stress that came from a family situation, that I won't get into now. That stress reeked havoc on her body, and spirit. December 2014 was just like any other, for the most part. Busy, but still looking forward to the holidays. We spent Christmas eve with my mom, and step family. It was great. Everyone was happy and enjoyed themselves immensely. We parted, said our goodbyes and gave lots of loves, not knowing if we would be back up to Salt Lake the next morning, as we had our traditional Christmas breakfast with Nate and Amber, and the rest of the Feller family. Not much would be happening at mom's house that next day anyhow, as all the kids had moved out and were mostly doing their own thing. Little did I know that it would be the last time I physically saw her alive.
We talked on Christmas day. She told me that Tyler had come over and they were just sitting around enjoying a quiet day. The possibility of them leaving within the next day or two for the St. George house (or Grandma's little house to Reece) were possible, as it was mom and Bob's "tradition" to leave after the holidays. What happened next seems like a blur... being winter time, Tyler always gets sick, and hanging out with mom, it didn't help. She caught his cold. Not feeling well made mom want to get to St. George even quicker, as she was disconnected from everything down there. Only her cell phone, TV and the dogs. It was her get away.
Mom and I had talked several times about my birthday. She was upset that she might be gone, but I tried to reassure her it was alright. And on the 30th, she called saying that they were on their way. She wished me a happy birthday and we promised each other that when she came home, just her and I would go shopping and out to eat. She was super sad that she wasn't there to get me a present... I told her it was alright, that there wasn't much that I really wanted. I told her to just be safe getting to St. George, to feel better and have some fun.
We spoke a few times over the next couple of days... Bob came back from St. George for work, and as always, left mom down there to get feeling better and relax. But she wasn't getting better. They had gone by the doctors, who gave her TONS of medicine and sent her home. With Bob gone, and not feeling well, she was unable to get groceries, to barely even take care of herself. If I had known sooner I would have been down there, but I had no clue. I spoke to her around the 6-8 a couple of times. The first time was to let her know that my cousins ex-husband had died (I think that is what it was for), and that someone else we knew had passed away. I could tell she was feeling terrible. She could barely talk. I had to tell her over and over that I would talk and she just had to listen. Every time she would say something, she would have a terrible coughing fit. The whole time she was still worried about my birthday present. Silly mom.
I talked to my step dad that night, and he said that he was going to go down there and take care of her. Thursday he left. I called that night to make sure he had made it, and asked how mom was. He said she was getting ready to go to the doctors and he would let me know. Once at instacare, they took one look at her and sent her directly to the ER. She had double pneumonia and was going to be admitted. I didn't sleep super well that night, and even posted on FB that prayers were needed. I don't normally do that, but I did regardless....
I went to work the following morning. Called Bob and asked how she was doing. He said she was sitting up and eating breakfast. I could hear her talking in the background (apparently she was asking if her boy - Reece - was there on the other side of the phone). I told him to tell her that I loved her and that I was planning on coming down for the weekend to see her and take care of her. Dad (Bob) left to go home, shower, let the dogs out and throw the sheets into the washer so they would be clean when mom came home. While he was gone he got a phone call.
Dad called me telling me that he was back at the hospital. When he was gone he had gotten a call that there had been an "episode". Mom had gotten up to use the bathroom and on her way back collapsed to the floor. Someone came in to check on her, and that was when they found her. She wasn't breathing and they were able to stabilize her, and that he should come back. He told me that he was back there, waiting but that they wouldn't let him in to see her as she had had another episode. He said that he would let me know.
I was standing outside the office building. Crying, trying to figure out how to get down there. I was saying a lot of prayers, when I had this overwhelmingly emotional feeling come over me and I remember saying "No no no" and pleading with Heavenly Father that she wouldn't die. I walked into the building and back around to the little office we have in our room. It was in there that my phone rang....
Life seemed to stop.
I don't remember the poor nurses name, or exactly what she said. What I do remember is her asking if I was Bob's daughter, Cindy's daughter. I said that I was.... She said that she was some sort of counselor something or other at the hospital. She said that my mom's heart had stopped... that they worked on her for 45 minutes but were unable to save her. All the emotion, shock and sadness came out in one large, loud cry of agony. At that very moment, two of my dear friends, Rachel Thompson and Amberlie Downard were by my side. I don't know how they made it there so fast, but I needed them. The nurse gave her condolences, and said that my dad wanted to talk to me. I had to regain my composure... I told him that I would be down as soon as I could. I was leaving and would be there.
I then had to call my siblings....
While there was so much more that happened that day and the days to follow, I can honestly say that I KNOW that my Father in Heaven was with me. I know that He sent many angels to be with me and my family as we internalized what this all meant and how our lives would change.
Fast forward to today. We have finally had an offer on my mom's house. I was told that someone would buy it and not to worry. The door of this chapter in my life is coming to a close. Both my brothers are making new plans for their lives. Troy wants to move to Hawaii, while Tyler wants to go back to Alaska and be a State Trooper. I know that they need to do what is best for them. I know that my parents will always be with each of us, and that we are never alone. There isn't a day that goes by, that I don't miss my parents. The times of going to call my mom, on my way home from work, are becoming less frequent, but I still want to.
Will I ever be the same? No. Will things continue to get better? Yes, I believe it will. I can NEVER give up. I have to keep my spirit strong. I need to stay close to my Father in Heaven and my older Brother, Jesus Christ, so that on the days that I can't "make it" they are there to guide me and lift me. I know that families really can be together FOREVER. I want to be with my family again. The time will come when I can see them, hug them and thank them, in person, for all that they made me to be.
